man, i hate having to be a grown up. it was so much easier when the hardest decision i had to make was what i wanted to go with my peanut butter sandwich or what game to play at recess. the future seemed so far away, it was okay to have just vague dreams. now i know there's no question that i'm possibly the world's most indecisive person, but why is it that every time there comes a point for me to make a decision about my future, i turn into a wimp?? no, seriously, i almost have a panic attack each time i think about what i'm going to do for the rest of my life, or for right now, even next year... why does decision making have to be so hard, anyways? i know my God is not a God of confusion and He doesn't want to see me struggle with indecision, but i feel so lost all the time. why can't i have the faith of abraham, who was content with just knowing that he was supposed to go...not all the details were there, but he still went. and ruth too...she followed her mother-in-law without question and that led her to amazing blessings. it seems so unfair that both these guys had such great faith to not question the road they were traveling.
i think that's what i'm scared of the most--missing out on an amazing blessing from God. now i know that He is going to work through me no matter what i do and He will receive glory through it all, but i want God's
best for me, His very best and i want to be a part of the work that He is doing. it's okay to have that kind of faith, blind and trusting, but what happens when the time comes to make a decision and you're still unsure??? i can say, Oh i'm trusting God, but the time will come when i have to fill out an application and as far as i know, God still hasn't said anything...then what??? it's so frustrating...and then i get frustrated at myself for being frustrated and having this crisis of faith and NOT being so trusting. good grief, it's like a never-ending cycle. i think there are times when i'm so jealous of those who are called to the ministry or the mission field, because at least they know what they will be doing.
God and i made a deal a while back, that is if you can make deals with God, and i told Him that i would keep going forward until He said stop...but how do i know when He's saying stop? i can't analyze every situation and every little event in my life and try to read it as a "sign." when i was little, i used to ask God to make it snow if He was saying "yes" to a particular prayer of mine. man, how i wish He still spoke through burning bushes or handwritings on the wall...
i know that i need to be in the Word to hear my God speak, i mean, that IS God speaking, but i'm pretty sure i'm not going to find it scripted out saying "Laura, you need to major in this, marry this man, and do this for the rest of your life...." but then again, where's the adventure in that?
so right now i'm praying Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." and i'll be praying that all night until i make my decisions in the morning.
