so just for the record, it's 1:47 am and i'm awake...this is a pretty big thing considering i'm a college student that's usually in bed by 12:30...and i'm not even really tired...for some reason i can't sleep and for some reason my eyes are leaking...not really crying. i don't even have a real good reason to cry and i'm not one of thos emotional girls that cry just for the sake of crying...it's like my inside is just full so the most natural place to release all this just happens to be through my eyes...i'm not especially sad or happy...just wondering what i'm doing awake at 1:49 am...
on a totally different note, i'm in the middle of reading right now that has actually made me think. it is this kind of crazy book zen and the art of motorcycle maitenance... a combination of this old guy's narrative about a cross country bike trip and his thoughts on philosophy and other stuff...really introspective and not what i normally read, but it's pretty interesting. so i was laying outside in the grass reading this book *an appropriate place, i thought, to read such a book* and i just stopped and watched the world go by for a while. not really watching the clouds, looking for shapes like i did when i was a kid, but just looking...and as i kept staring i was certain that if i looked hard enough, i could see right through the clouds and the atmosphere and see the stars on the other side that are out there in the cosmos. and if i was really still for long enough i could almost feel the earth tilting on its axis and feel myself spinning along...almost made me physically dizzy. and if i really concentrated hard enough, not only could i smell the rain about to come in on the clouds, but smell the blue of the sky, the richness of the earth, smell the green of the grass... and be a part of the whole world that is just waiting to bust out of its skin into spring time. it was such a macrocosmic feeling....
but who knows? i'm pretty sure i'm going crazy...i mean, it's 2:05 AM and i'm still lying here and i'm still not sleepy, but that feeling of being swept away and totally out of myself is something i've been trying to get back ever since...
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Laura:
Sometimes I think you and I can even have the same thought patterns. That being said, I should let you know that I put the Zen book down because it was beginning to mess with my head. The thing about really introspective people is that we really have to watch what we let into our minds because of our tendency to over analyze. Anyway- prayed for you today. Love you.
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