holy cow, what a day! wait, let me back up a few years and tell a story first:
when i was 16 i went mountain biking at a local park. 2 hours later i was taking my first ambulence ride to the nearest hospital where i would spend the next 3 days while they put my knee back together...2 surguries, 84 stitches, and a 7 inch scar later, after 2 months on crutches and 6 weeks of physical therapy, i was walking again...and vowing that i would never EVER ride a bike again...
so fast forward almost exactly 3 years later... i had a long talk with my dad and i decided to start training for a triathlon. i thought i would put off the biking part as long as possible...a certain someone had a different idea however. so today after i went and picked out tires to convert my mountain bike into an okay road bike, my buddy brent told me that "that day is today." at first i was like, NO WAY! there was no way i was ready to ride yet...but that's why brent's my coach...he doesn't take excuses like that. so while brent was taking a warm up ride, i had a long conversation with myself and this bike of mine...it was like a showdown at noon in the OK Corral. could i really trust this thing again? i know you're thinking i'm crazy cause i was sittin there having a conversation with an inanimate object, but this was a huge thing for me... so i got on the bike and sat a while...it felt okay...then i started walking around with it and then i just took a huge deep breath and let go...it was like i was 7 all over again, just learning how to ride for the first time... and there i was, learning the true meaning of the expression "just like riding a bike..."
first milestone covered...i could handle the flat parking lot pretty well...so when brent got back, i had no choice but to follow him out onto the road...tentative at first, then doing pretty well... then we came to the first hill...up no problem, my knees were burning a little, but hey, i just got released from the doctor from another knee injury (later story) yesterday...then the huge leap of faith--the first downhill--needless to say, i rode my brakes all the way and crawled down that hill as slow as i could...no good, you can't do well in a triathlon that way (as i was told). so we came to our last downhill...and i was told to not use my brakes all the way down. and can i just say that this was no baby hill! it was huge, across railroad tracks, onto a major road... i was super scared, but determined to make it, so i just pushed off and let go...how amazing it felt to feel that wind in my face and know that i had finally conquered that ghost that's been haunting me for 3 years...
all in all we rode about 5 miles...10 short of where i need to be by august, but it was a start! a huge breakthrough...i really feel like i can do anything right about now! if you're thinking right about now "girl, you're crazy...it's just a bike!" well, then that's your perrogative, but i feel like a free woman right about now!!! praise the LORD!
Friday, March 30, 2007
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
i think i'm going crazy
so just for the record, it's 1:47 am and i'm awake...this is a pretty big thing considering i'm a college student that's usually in bed by 12:30...and i'm not even really tired...for some reason i can't sleep and for some reason my eyes are leaking...not really crying. i don't even have a real good reason to cry and i'm not one of thos emotional girls that cry just for the sake of crying...it's like my inside is just full so the most natural place to release all this just happens to be through my eyes...i'm not especially sad or happy...just wondering what i'm doing awake at 1:49 am...
on a totally different note, i'm in the middle of reading right now that has actually made me think. it is this kind of crazy book zen and the art of motorcycle maitenance... a combination of this old guy's narrative about a cross country bike trip and his thoughts on philosophy and other stuff...really introspective and not what i normally read, but it's pretty interesting. so i was laying outside in the grass reading this book *an appropriate place, i thought, to read such a book* and i just stopped and watched the world go by for a while. not really watching the clouds, looking for shapes like i did when i was a kid, but just looking...and as i kept staring i was certain that if i looked hard enough, i could see right through the clouds and the atmosphere and see the stars on the other side that are out there in the cosmos. and if i was really still for long enough i could almost feel the earth tilting on its axis and feel myself spinning along...almost made me physically dizzy. and if i really concentrated hard enough, not only could i smell the rain about to come in on the clouds, but smell the blue of the sky, the richness of the earth, smell the green of the grass... and be a part of the whole world that is just waiting to bust out of its skin into spring time. it was such a macrocosmic feeling....
but who knows? i'm pretty sure i'm going crazy...i mean, it's 2:05 AM and i'm still lying here and i'm still not sleepy, but that feeling of being swept away and totally out of myself is something i've been trying to get back ever since...
on a totally different note, i'm in the middle of reading right now that has actually made me think. it is this kind of crazy book zen and the art of motorcycle maitenance... a combination of this old guy's narrative about a cross country bike trip and his thoughts on philosophy and other stuff...really introspective and not what i normally read, but it's pretty interesting. so i was laying outside in the grass reading this book *an appropriate place, i thought, to read such a book* and i just stopped and watched the world go by for a while. not really watching the clouds, looking for shapes like i did when i was a kid, but just looking...and as i kept staring i was certain that if i looked hard enough, i could see right through the clouds and the atmosphere and see the stars on the other side that are out there in the cosmos. and if i was really still for long enough i could almost feel the earth tilting on its axis and feel myself spinning along...almost made me physically dizzy. and if i really concentrated hard enough, not only could i smell the rain about to come in on the clouds, but smell the blue of the sky, the richness of the earth, smell the green of the grass... and be a part of the whole world that is just waiting to bust out of its skin into spring time. it was such a macrocosmic feeling....
but who knows? i'm pretty sure i'm going crazy...i mean, it's 2:05 AM and i'm still lying here and i'm still not sleepy, but that feeling of being swept away and totally out of myself is something i've been trying to get back ever since...
Saturday, March 10, 2007
I'M IN LOVE!
so i actually wrote this earlier, but it still applies....
He loves me!
He knows everything about me, he knows my favorite color, favorite flower, favorite foods. He knows how much I love gummy bears- the ones that come in the gold package - and yellow gatorade. He paints pictures for me every morning and makes sure that i see them everyday. He always has my favorite flowers ready on no occasions at all. He pursued me passionately until i said "yes" and surrendered to his love. I never doubt his love for me. He wakes me up gently when i fall asleep in his arms. He wrote me the longest love letter in the entire world and I read it everyday. He's the last person i talk to before i go to sleep and the first one i think of when i wake up. When i fall asleep when i'm with him, he just holds me and sings over me. He loves my friends too--major bonus points!! He tells me all the time how much he loves me and how much he wants to be with me. Whenever i've had a crappy day, he knows exactly what to do to make me feel better. When i ask him to do something, he always does what is in my best interest. We pray together and share in those intimate moments of worship together. Sometimes, when we're together, neither of us say a word, we just sit in silence and are amazed in our love. He laughs at me all the time, but always in the kindest way. He is always at every sports game i'm in and he's my biggest fan. Sometimes i treat him like crap, but he just wraps me up in his arms and tells me he loves me anyways. I am so amazingly in love with him and want to spend forever with him!!! He's absolutely perfect! He's the most understanding, most passionate, most sincere, most amazing being ever!!!
AND I LOVE HIM BACK!
THIS IS MY JESUS! My God, My Savior, is this passionately in love with me. He's the only one who can love me like this! He wants to be my everything and won't stop loving me ever ever!!!
He loves me!
He knows everything about me, he knows my favorite color, favorite flower, favorite foods. He knows how much I love gummy bears- the ones that come in the gold package - and yellow gatorade. He paints pictures for me every morning and makes sure that i see them everyday. He always has my favorite flowers ready on no occasions at all. He pursued me passionately until i said "yes" and surrendered to his love. I never doubt his love for me. He wakes me up gently when i fall asleep in his arms. He wrote me the longest love letter in the entire world and I read it everyday. He's the last person i talk to before i go to sleep and the first one i think of when i wake up. When i fall asleep when i'm with him, he just holds me and sings over me. He loves my friends too--major bonus points!! He tells me all the time how much he loves me and how much he wants to be with me. Whenever i've had a crappy day, he knows exactly what to do to make me feel better. When i ask him to do something, he always does what is in my best interest. We pray together and share in those intimate moments of worship together. Sometimes, when we're together, neither of us say a word, we just sit in silence and are amazed in our love. He laughs at me all the time, but always in the kindest way. He is always at every sports game i'm in and he's my biggest fan. Sometimes i treat him like crap, but he just wraps me up in his arms and tells me he loves me anyways. I am so amazingly in love with him and want to spend forever with him!!! He's absolutely perfect! He's the most understanding, most passionate, most sincere, most amazing being ever!!!
AND I LOVE HIM BACK!
THIS IS MY JESUS! My God, My Savior, is this passionately in love with me. He's the only one who can love me like this! He wants to be my everything and won't stop loving me ever ever!!!
happily ever after?
so i drove back home from atlanta today and that gave me a while to think...which in my case may be a dangerous thing when operating a vehicle :) but i digress...
i was thinking about the movie i had watched the night before. your typical girlie movie, that my sister promptly commented on as soon as the credits rolled, "aww, they lived happily ever after!" and my first thought in response surprised me. "you don't know that for sure..." my next thought that followed was, "when did i become so cynical?" i distinctly remember a time when i was 6 watching aladdin and jasmine fly into the sunset and sighing knowing that they would live "happily ever after." experience has shown me, however that just because that's where the story ends doesn't mean that it was bliss from there on out...and i guess that's part of growing up, but when did i become a grown up??? what happened to my childlike faith in fairy tales and a prince charming of my very own? surely there was a turning point in my past years that happily ever after just stopped applying to situations. and personally, i don't think i like it too much, to be perfectly honest. i think childlike faith in our "happily ever afters" is an important thing to have...it's one of those things that gives us hope when life is going crappy.
so, i'm not sure what to do with this cynicism...i mean, i've just realized this after all...but i'd like to get back to the place where my imagination is free to well...imagine...another "happily ever after."
i was thinking about the movie i had watched the night before. your typical girlie movie, that my sister promptly commented on as soon as the credits rolled, "aww, they lived happily ever after!" and my first thought in response surprised me. "you don't know that for sure..." my next thought that followed was, "when did i become so cynical?" i distinctly remember a time when i was 6 watching aladdin and jasmine fly into the sunset and sighing knowing that they would live "happily ever after." experience has shown me, however that just because that's where the story ends doesn't mean that it was bliss from there on out...and i guess that's part of growing up, but when did i become a grown up??? what happened to my childlike faith in fairy tales and a prince charming of my very own? surely there was a turning point in my past years that happily ever after just stopped applying to situations. and personally, i don't think i like it too much, to be perfectly honest. i think childlike faith in our "happily ever afters" is an important thing to have...it's one of those things that gives us hope when life is going crappy.
so, i'm not sure what to do with this cynicism...i mean, i've just realized this after all...but i'd like to get back to the place where my imagination is free to well...imagine...another "happily ever after."
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